iv become an emotional wreck

Its hard trying to decipher what it is your meant to do in life. I suppose it bring it all down to whether we think that we all have the belief that there is fate or not? i odnt know whether i think that fate is real of not. i don't know if i can bring my self to believethat the person who im meant to be with is already known and is 'Written' if you like.
Worst fear? Life in death.
Im scared that my life isn't going to amount to anything dramatic. That im just going to be someone in a thousand years time that didn't make a difference. A tombstone next to another tomb stone. I suppose he idea that you halp shape someones life for the better is a nice thought. That the action has then gone on to influence someone sells that will go on to change the world.
Death because i don't know whats out there. my theory is that if im the  second fromlast person to die i wont be left alone and i will have everyone else waiting for me when i get to the place thats beyond life, but what if the person who i really want to be waiting for me isn't there? what am i meant to do. I  18 and i feel like if accomplished so much and don'e so much but the one thing i want to share with everyone i cant.
I hate it. Its something that no one other than the two people involved can know.its ripping me apart. its like an elongated part of my life that i wanted to be over has started again. a punishment of some sort.
Im confused and scared of something and i don't have a clue what. Im sitting her writing a blog that not a single person follows because i cant find another way of saying anything else.
crying isn't gonna help but some times you have just to.

i don't even care about my spelling

blogging....

So im going to uni!!!  Iv decided that over the next few years imaging to keep a blog open. For the main reason that lately Iv had so much go though my head, just about general things. I think I need to start writing them all down.

So here we go. UNI!!! Im going to Staffodshire University. I went through clearing so im not too sure what its going to be like.

...

Just had a thought! I WISH I WAS A GENIUS. I mean like an 'actual' genius. I wish I could give Einstein a run for his money. Alas, it will never happen; im just not that way inclined. I suppose that if i worked really hard then yeh, I could be REALLY clever, but I mean at the end of the day everyone could work harder. If I had a penny for every time that my teachers told me that I had the potential to be better I would be able to buy at least 30 penny sweets! (Im not going to say a millionaire because it is only pennies) SERIOUSLY! I don't know. I do think that there is a smart gene in there somewhere. Something that makes people just get things. remember little things that us normal people just cant remember off of the top of our heads. maybe normal isn't the right word.
Day Dreaming is the worst. I can remember, back in the days of lower school, sitting in the back of the classroom staring out of the window at the ferrel seagulls attacking each other for the remnants of the ketchup absorbed bread roll thinking, "I should start an illegal seagull fighting game behind the drama hut!"
or planning my next move in my acting career. (NADA) ....

I went for an audition for the National Youth Theatre. Oh My God. seriously, what are some parents telling their children??? They are not, I repeat! NOT good. Why tell them they are? If they enjoy it then go to an acting class or join a club during the week? I didn't get in. but at the end of the day. I wasnt good enough!! The thing that annoyed me most was that the majority of the applicants were from private schools, all aspiring to become Art historians, and poets an.... NO. Your going to try and make it in your acting career and then once you've decided that you don't want to do that anymore your going to go to uni, come out of your degree and start living off mummy and daddy. Then they get onto the subject of "What A Levels are you taking for A Level?" with replies of classics, history, russian. I then go on to tell them that i'm doing Media, drama (a subject we all seem to have in common) ICT and Psychology only to suddenly be un-include me in their conversation on, whats your favourite Classic author? Funnily enough i'd bought the Crucible and Weathering Heights with me which, after 5 minutes since their exhilarating conversation had begun, i decided to wonder over to my fake Paul Smith bag (courtesy of my mum from a bargain shop in thailand) which I had been given, I produced weathering Heights and began to pretend to read it. I didn't reveal that I had a dictionary in my bed that I used on the train to decipher Emily Brontes Horrendous array of literature.

(I will read this back in the morning and wonder what the hell iv been doing for the oats hour? but oh well)

Media pics